Do you ever feel those sudden regrets? Those dark, gnawing guilt pangs that tug at your heart and knock at your soul from the past?
Sam can sometimes feel guilty, especially when he is stuck in traffic jams with bumper to bumper cars.
Sam can still recall Paul’s elementary school days, even though it has been years since their last meeting. Paul sat in the row directly across from Sam, his straight, blond hair, bright blue eyes, and a straight, pointed nose. His smile could win anyone over.
Yes, Paul.
Paul, a native of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, had moved to join the class in the third grade. He was initially shy but quickly became a bright student. Although he was younger than most of the children, everyone soon recognized that he had an impressive ‘world wisdom’ and wry sense of humor, which was quite remarkable considering his age. He earned our admiring respect.
Paul once said, “That’s all,” with his famous smile after learning about a new school rule. “I’m going to school tomorrow, I’m not playing hookey,” he declared.
Everybody asked him what game hookey he was playing in the pure innocence that third graders can muster.
“Hookey?” Paul smiled, and his eyes lit up in a magical way. “Hookey can be like hockey but you don’t need to use a stick!”
Some believed Paul, while others wondered if they could actually stay home to chase after the little black puck without using a stick. The chair was actually pulled out of the way by Paul’s smooth talk. It was then that Paul and his older brother discovered the true meaning of hookey.
Paul did that.
Paul had something more than the rest. Sam and the others didn’t understand it at the time. It may have something to do his unique worldliness, and knowledge of ‘other’ things. Paul, with his two brothers and his mother, would make his way to his neighbor’s home to have supper and be welcomed warmly at the end of the school day. Paul’s mother was not at home to greet him and his siblings like the rest of class. Paul’s mother, who was located forty-five minutes from home in one of the most renowned hospitals in the world, had a mysterious illness. This disease was something that everyone in class had never heard of.
Sam and the other members of the group didn’t speak about Paul’s mother or the disease. Except for the fact that Paul had to eat at the neighbor’s house for dinner, he seemed every bit normal to them.
In fifth grade, Sam made Paul his best friend. His father had hired a woman to cook dinner for his family and be there when the children returned from school. His mother would either be in bed behind a darkly lit bedroom door or at the hospital for at least a week. Sam would often visit Paul’s house after school to do homework and play with the many toys and games he had. Sam noticed something that was more than Paul’s great fortune in having the best possible toys and games. It was his home’s pristine order. It was also unusually quiet.
One day, Paul didn’t come to school. The teacher informed the class that Paul had lost his mother and would be staying home for the week. Because of the death of his mother, everyone should be extra kind to Paul once he returns.
In truth, nobody at that age understood the true meaning of losing a mother.
Paul did not speak of his mother after he returned from school. Sam realized that although his mother’s death was sad, Paul didn’t mention it to anyone. The friendship was rekindled.
Paul was a bit of a genius by the sixth grade. Paul was never one to be too hard working and managed to get better grades than his peers. Sam, however was far ahead in the brains department. Sam needed to put in the effort to reach even modest results.
The pronounced differences between them did not affect their relationship for the remainder of the year. Sam could not bring himself to learn with Paul by the seventh grade. Sam felt uncomfortably insecure because Paul didn’t take enough time to understand what Sam needed.
Sam would tell himself, “It is no good.” “Why is it so hard for me to hear?” Why am I so hardworking and yet so inept, while Paul is so efficient?
An immature seventh grader can easily get enthralled by something as absurd as another person being smarter. Sam began to think about Paul more and more, which led him to build a case against him. Sam recalled a time Paul ignored him, another instance where Paul insulted Sam, and yet another occasion when Paul forgot about including him in the baseball match he organized near his home. The relationship cooled a lot over the next year. Sam and Paul no longer felt like the friends they were once were.
Sam was soon drawn to another group of boys, those he thought were’more serious’. But every now and again, Sam would catch Paul looking at him with a funny, hurtful look. Sam ignored the “the look” and accepted it as Paul’s.
One year later, there was a wide selection of high schools available. The contact was over.
Sam was able to move quickly through the years and, while he still felt a connection with those men who had followed his path, he seldom thought about elementary school or the ties that had been broken. Sam eventually married and began working for his father-in law’s company.
Marc Hart phoned Sam on Friday afternoon in the middle of a traffic jam on NJ Turnpike.
“Sam,” he replied. “Sorry, I was late to get you on the road. But remember Paul Stone.”
Sam replied cautiously, “Yeah”, with an uncomfortable premonition about bad tidings. What about Paul? What is he up to?”
Marc said, “Paul isn’t doing so well right now, Sam.” His wife was involved in a car accident, and – sorry to have to break it to yours – she was… she died. His three children are now orphans. The funeral is scheduled for Sunday morning at this point. I wanted all of my old friends to know. It’s important to be there for each other.
Sam swallowed hard. Sam swallowed hard, trying to keep his tears from running down his face. “I’ll be in contact for the details.”
The funeral was as horrible as any funeral for a young widow who had to leave this world so young and left behind her husband and three young orphans. Sam sat at the back of a chapel and looked at Paul. Sam recalled that Paul had a pained look.
After Paul’s wife’s passing, several months passed and Sam learned that the family received a substantial payout from the auto insurance coverage of the other driver and his life insurance policy. There was still much to do. He was in a difficult situation, and he had to face new responsibilities. His extended family and friends quickly stepped in.
Sam’s memories of an old friendship continue harassing him with a mature view of Paul and him. This is emphasized by Paul’s recent tragic loss. Is it too late for Sam to say “I’m Sorry”? Sam wonders.
Is it too late for me to apologize? Sam can’t seem to find the strength today to pick up the phone, dial Paul’s number. But tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, he’ll do it.