Anybody who is familiar with diamond jewelry will know the four Cs that describe a diamond’s qualities: cut, color, clarity and carat. While color and carat weight are important factors, women don’t want a large yellow or colorless diamond the size of a gnat head. While cut and clarity are important, all four attributes are necessary to define a quality stone. Finding the right balance or compromise between these four characteristics is the key. Similar to the above, a different set four Cs determines the quality and depth of romantic relationships. Before we get into the four Cs, and the idea of “lasting romance”, let’s take a moment to discuss “meaningful.” What good is a long-lasting relationship if either of the partners finds themselves stuck between miserable and happy?
Couples who boast, “We have been married for 30 years” or “We have been together since grade school” are demonstrating commitment and perhaps compromise. These relationships are meaningful, but is it? Maybe. Perhaps not. Some people believe that the quality of the time together is more important than the quantity. Others believe the reverse. What if you could have both emotional quality and quantity? The honeymoon phase doesn’t have to end, but who says it has to? It is amazing that some couples seem to have it easy, while others are the poster children of dysfunctional behavior.
It can be difficult to build a lasting relationship with someone you love, especially when they work longer hours and have more demands on their homes. It can be difficult to find a lasting and meaningful relationship with someone you love, especially when there are so many temptations such as instant messaging, cell phone texting and online dating. While a positive attitude and six-month subscription to your favorite online meat marketplace can help you find your next date, it is unlikely that you will enjoy a lasting and meaningful romantic relationship without acknowledging all four of the ‘Cs. These are the four ‘Cs. Why should you care? This is what I will be explaining.
Chemistry
Let’s begin with chemistry. Chemistry is like magnets, which repel or attract. It brings people together or separates them. What is chemistry? It all depends on whom you ask. What is the person’s exterior appearance? What is their tone of voice? Your smell? Their confidence? Their aurora? It could be a combination of several factors, or all of them. The definition of chemistry in any case is less important than recognizing if we feel it in romantic relationships.
Sometimes, chemistry can be subtle. Sometimes, it is obvious. Sometimes we discover chemistry with people we don’t expect to be with – with people with different heights, weights, ages, hairstyles, and so forth. We can’t resist the urge to be close to this person, despite our intellect telling our brains they don’t match our ideal of a perfect partner. Chemistry has no limits. It doesn’t depend on someone’s weight or height. It can also be affected by their skin color or the car they drive. It is not driven by logic and reason. Chemistry is not like other aspects of romantic relationships.
People often choose their partner based upon their personal preferences and preconceived notions. They ignore the fact that there is no chemistry. Sometimes, partners don’t acknowledge that there is no chemistry between them and wonder why the relationship didn’t work out. Without chemistry, romance is likely to end sooner than expected.
Chemistry is what ignites the flame, but it can also keep the fire burning. Chemistry is not something you can do. It can be present or absent. This is partly why so many relationships that seemed promising end in failure, despite the best intentions. It’s part of our human nature to feel or not feel a certain chemistry. It is a part of our DNA, and can be difficult to comprehend. Many people confuse chemistry and love. While love can evolve over time, chemistry is more inextricable. Although you might not feel it immediately, it is important to feel it early in a relationship. You’re missing the key ingredient. If the right chemistry exists, it is usually present in a large way. Communication is also facilitated by chemistry.
Communication
Now you have found that special person and are feeling the connection between them. Do not let your guard down and try to avoid communicating. Chemistry is a sign that you want to be with someone. Open, honest communication is the foundation upon which everything else can be built. Your relationship will be doomed if you don’t communicate well. Each time.
We can, however, control our communication habits, unlike chemistry. We tend to give up simple conversations in this age of text messaging and opt for a two-dimensional, sterile set of alphanumeric characters that can be transmitted as a telegram. It doesn’t matter if you spend time messaging or emailing someone on your favorite dating site. But, a quick phone call will reveal more about you than weeks of electronic communication. Are you afraid of the phone? You can get over your fear of the phone. You can buy a disposable phone or call from a payphone. Or you can use one of the anonymous and secure lines offered by reputable dating sites. You can also get off your computer and explore the real world of dating. If you don’t take the time to look around, you never know who you might find.
The human voice can be a powerful tool. It can convey a lot about your personality. It tells you a lot about your personality. You can be quiet or outgoing. Loud or soft-spoken. Orally or verbally expressive. Friendly or abrasive. You can be friendly or rude. Our brains can filter out memories from past relationships and casual encounters with people we’d rather forget. Some people find verbal communication easy. Others need to practice. It is common to find out more about someone and be able to communicate on different levels. There are no deep thoughts. All you need is common sense.
Many men are stereotyped as being poor communicators. Many women today hide their emotions behind text messaging, even though they are part of the electronic communication world. Sending messages in a silence to either sex is like trying start a fire under the rain. It is important to communicate verbally, but it is only one side of the coin. We humans communicate with our eyes, facial gestures and body language. Face-to-face communication is crucial. Positive reinforcement is provided by direct eye contact, firm handshakes and warm hugs. It’s not about what you say, but how you say it. It’s all about how you say it. This is as important as your voice and non-verbal cues.
Communication can be improved, unlike chemistry which is always present. It takes only the desire to improve communication. Each person is unique. Every communication comfort zone is different. Some women talk incessantly. Men talk endlessly about themselves. Let her talk. Let him rant. Let him vent. Be open to communication. Complensations are beautiful. Make eye contact with your partner and hold hands. You are now on your way to intimate communication and ‘C#3’: commitment.
Commitment
With chemistry and communication, commitment is a series. You must first feel the chemistry. Then, hopefully, you will open up and improve your communication skills. You must be serious about building a lasting relationship. You can’t promise to be in a relationship if you don’t want it to end. This assumes you aren’t a member of a swinger club. Even they have ground rules.
Commitment is more than just a smile-and-bear it attitude. If there is chemistry and communication, commitment should not be something you avoid. You should question your motives if you are unable to commit. If you and your partner agree on the terms of your relationship (e.g., one-night stand, fling or friends with benefits), fear of commitment can be normal. A commitment is a willingness and ability to support your partner in the difficult times as well as the good. This is not about marriage necessarily. It’s about a shared desire to maintain a monogamous relationship instead of testing the pool.
Sometimes, partners start with a strong commitment to each other, but then it becomes less important over time. Why? There are many reasons. One reason is lack of communication. Lack of chemistry between the two. If your romance doesn’t spark early, there is a chance that the commitment of one or both partners will fade. It is often due to a lack of common interests. A Stepford world would see every couple share the same interests, same tastes and same music. They also would have common ground on any topic or new adventure. Romantic couples often share some common interests, beliefs, desires and other commonalities. You don’t have to give up who you are. This simply means that you are willing to make the difference between a casual relationship and a meaningful one. While commitment is essential, it also depends on our ability and willingness to compromise.
Compromise
Mick Jagger said it best in his first song, “You can’t always get the things you want.” Compromise is about a willingness to compromise. While you may not always win, you can also lose.
A 50/50 ratio is the best way to compromise. If you think of a compromise ratio that is 60/40, 70/30 or 80/20, you are not compromising. You’re either being insincere or giving in. Some couples consider compromise a four-letter word, while others see it as an inherent part of their relationship. You can improve your relationship by turning a lose/win situation into a win/win situation. Compromise means letting go of control. Compromise is about listening to your partner and being aware of their needs. You should embrace compromise if you are committed to a loving, open relationship with great chemistry.
Sometimes, romantic relationships can reach an 80/20 ratio. This means that one partner gets 80% and the other 20%. These relationships can occur due to strong or weak personalities, fear about losing a soulmate, or simply a desire to please their partner. The “80%” partner is free to choose the movie, plan every outing, control the DVR and dictate the weekend events. The “20% partner” is more comfortable just following along, not wanting to be challenged by their partner’s wishes. This can work for a while in a romantic relationship. The “20% partner”, however, will eventually feel left out. Although the chemistry may continue, the excitement of the new relationship fades when the “20% partner”, who is resentful for their interests, hobbies and beliefs, begins to feel slighted. Some people feel controlled and manipulated by their partner, who wants everything for them. When the see-saw stops working, it eventually breaks.
A good compromise is a key ingredient in a loving relationship. Two people can learn to compromise when they care about one another and have mutual respect. A 50/50 compromise is utopian. It is impossible to maintain a perfect relationship, but those who try to keep it balanced, whether they are learning to let go or sharing their pleasures, tend to prosper.
It’s not always easy to reach a compromise. It takes effort and commitment. It doesn’t have be difficult. You can reach a mutually beneficial solution to any problem if you are open and honest in your communication. Try to be open to your partner’s needs, and to view things from their perspective. It is easier to compromise when you are more in touch with your partner.
This leaves you wondering where to go from here. It all depends on where you are at the moment in your relationship. The four Cs that I have described aren’t the only elements of a long-lasting and meaningful relationship. Many variables influence our lives, including our stage of life, emotional and physical health, as well as the impact on children, ex-spouses, friends, family, and any other influences. Logistics, timing, and geographics all play a part in this mix. Romantic relationships can be dynamic and evolving. They are rarely driven by logic or reason. You can move on if you don’t feel the right kind of chemistry or choose a platonic partner. Try harder if you have trouble communicating. It is the foundation of your ability to compromise and commit. These four Cs aren’t absolute. They are a set of common sense guidelines that most people know, but fail to follow. If nothing else, keep smiling and a positive outlook on life. You can look inwardly and determine what is most important. Your life is what you make of it. This is true for romantic relationships that last a lifetime.
